I’m not so positive today. Could it be the miserable weather?

Basically DP and I took the decision a year ago to TTC, we’d been together for a year and got on really well (still do) and as time was/is marching on we’d thought it would take a while anyway so why not give it a go?

And that’s what we did, the first months I was quite happy to not fall pregnant immediately as I’d been on the pill for a while and they say your body needs a good three months to prepare but come January I was getting more and more upset and starting to think ‘Oh my God, it’s not going to happen’.

So you can imagine our joy when we were in Italy last year and I found out I was pregnant! We were there for my Tommy’s 18th b’day and at the same time celebrating a new life.
Only now I find myself fretting over it all and wanting an immediate prgnancy to make up for my lost one. I’m talking about this a lot because it is constantly on my mind.
I undid the packaging on my new digital OPK last night just to run through the rules and regs. Today is day 6, so first bd is day 8 and testing starts on day 10.
I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed as I know so many others are on this board.

AF is on her way out today, I hope it’s the last I’ll see of her for 9 months, talking of which I signed up on the I’m for a July baby forum, you never know.

I have my brand new digital OPK to play with this month. I didn’t like the other kind as I didn’t feel the lines were very clear. I was always doubting and still feel that maybe I didn’t ovulate last month.
I’m feeling absolutely shattered this morning. We had a good weekend with a very lazy Sunday but still I don’t feel as if my batteries have been fully recharged.

I was feeling a bit down yesterday and this makes me miss my children even more. It’s very difficult being so far away and knowing that they’re living with the girl who broke up my marriage. I still have very bitter thoughts about her and I know they’re not doing me any good. I heard they’re all off to Mexico next week and that really grinds on my nerves as we were supposed to go in 1998 but had to cancel as my MIL was taken ill. It was my dream holiday that never happened so I’m cheesed off that he’s taking her.

Anyway, I am lucky as I have an adorable DP who I wouldn’t swap for all the gold in the world.
Back to TTC thoughts – I have always wondered about the importance of ‘coming together’ when trying to TTC. I read it somewhere that the female orgasm helps the blighters climb up a lot faster.
Must promise myself to try and stay calm about the whole thing and try not to get too obsessed but finding it increasingly difficult as it’s all I think about.
Fingers crossed and saying a prayer to anyone who’ll listen.

Think of a bad word beginning with B and ending ‘ks’- that’s what I said when I dashed to the loo after just getting home last night!

AF came earlier than expected which was on Sunday – I have always been like a swiss clock so it came as a surprise and got my attention. It must be something to do with the miscarriage back in July. I’ve read that each pregnancy can alter your cycle. I did try to kid myself just for a mo’ that it was an implantation bleed but I’ve never had one of those so I knew it couldn’t be.
So I’d best get a new ticker sorted out. (refers to a widget put up on the Babyworld profile indicating how far you were into your pregnancy)

The unexpected arrival did bring on thoughts of my lost baby and dragged up emotions that I could have done without.
All I want is to get pregnant as quickly as possible. I feel I’m running against time and I also feel as if I’m letting down DP each month AF turns up. It makes me feel guilty and at one point last night I even said – maybe you should look for a younger girl. I didn’t mean it, I’d be devastated if we broke up. I just want to do this but am frightened it will never happen.

I thought about getting one of those fertility kits from Boots that tell you if you’ve got any eggs left, what state they are in and your chances of getting pregnant. I decided I’d leave it for a bit, after all, this is my 1st cycle of TTC. I really would have been damned lucky had it happened. I’m sure I’ve also read somewhere that it takes a couple of cycles to start ovulating after mc.

Anyway – enough said. At least I can have a glass of wine tomorrow at dinner and I can get back into the gym next week which got totally laid aside this week whilst I meandered around Topshop maternity, Mothercare and H&M maternity. Won’t be needing that just yet, eh?

Roll on November – let’s see if we can catch the egg!

A little later on – a second entry

So, the evening was spent with a little retail therapy – you know, to pick the spirits up and forget the Old Bag has arrived.
What did I come home with? A digital OPK for next month!
I am sat here with a glass of vino though as DP is out with his work colleagues, good for him. I bet he won’t be going for his 7 mile run tomorrow!

Well, would you Adam and Eve it? K found me and there was me thinking I was being all secretive and was going to mention it at the weekend that I’ve joined Babyworld.

What made me join Babyworld was the chance to write an online diary, it’s good for me mentally and fun. I’ve actually been on the babycentre.co.uk boards for quite some time and have met some lovely ladies there too, mainly because they had a specific board for ‘over 35 and ttc’ where us ‘older folk’ can swap notes and have a laugh too. Anyway, I haven’t got my head round the forums on Babyworld just yet as they’re set out differently but will try over the next few days, oh and I am at work by the way!
Mon to Fri 9 – 5.
Most exciting news today is that I was in bed by 9.30 zonked out last night.

What’s so exciting about that? Well, don’t you see??? It’s one of my foolproof signs of being pregnant – that and feeling sick if someone around me lights up. God I could spew down there necks, (sorry, hope you’re not eating!) So although as you can see I’m trying my hardest not to get my hopes up (got the home pg test yesterday from Boots – it’s safely tucked in my top drawer till the weekend) and I am just concentrating on one day to the next.

Other fabulous news is Mum’s just bought a holiday home in Sardegna – I adore that woman! Yes, 4 beds (loads of mates can come) 3 bathroom (no squabbling there then) and 5 mins from the beach, views are fantastic. Have a look at the one below and tell me you wouldn’t fancy a bit yourself!
2 days till testing xx
PS Is there no way of editing a diary once clicked submit? I keep finding mistakes where I type so badly??

 Sardegna Torre dei Corsari, mum's villa

Day 2 of my diary, well I’m worried (you might hear that expression a lot – lol) as I haven’t been feeling as sick as yesterday and therefore have started thinking negatively.

Having said that I’ve just finished the salad I made for my lunch and I’m feeling disgusted by it all – especially the spring onions I chopped into it that usually don’t give me any problems at all.
I would so like this to happen AND be a successful pregnancy this time round.

I did feel quite tired last night but that’s to be expected, we’re up at 6 in the morning and don’t usually get home till 6.30 /7 depending on the traffic.

Anyway, not a lot to tell from the underwear department, hardly any CM. Is this normal? I must go and find a site that will tell me all about it….what shall I Google? Cervical mucus? Urrggg! Only joking. I have www.twoweekwait.com and fertility friend among others.

How many days till Sunday? Bring it on!