Today I am going to tell the story of my last pregnancy which ended in mc on July 17th 2006 when I was 21+6. I’m doing this for me as I need to get it all out and ‘on paper’ so I can hopefully move on with my current ttc mission. I delivered the baby at home and some passages may be quite shocking to some. Please don’t read it if you are easily shocked.

We were lucky, after coming off the pill in Sept 05 without completing that course, we started to try from Nov and in March 2006 whilst on a skiing holiday!!! I got my BFP when I was about 4/5 days late.
The first few months I was exhausted and had terrible nausea which lasted all day but other than that all was fine.
Just when I thought I was out of the mc zone my cm started to change, it went from white to yellow, so I went to see my midwife. As I had no itching and it wasn’t smelly (sorry tmi) she told me not to worry.
Week 14 and it started to include a brown streak which later was red spotting. They took me for a scan and the baby’s heart was beating and her growth was perfect. They identified a bleed behind the placenta and told me to not worry.
So I tried not to, I still went to work but on June 5th (15 weeks) just as ‘ER’ was coming to the end of the closing episode for last season, I ran into the bathroom and passed a blood clot as large as the palm of my hand. I had read somewhere that we needed to take this to the doc so my poor DP fished it out of the loo and we put it in a tupperware and left for A&E.
They visited me and warned me I was having a threatened miscarriage, they listened to the heart beat which was healthy and heard the placenta functioning well. I was kept in for a few days, the clots passed less and less and the next day during the scan they saw all was fine, baby was growing and heart beat was good.
My doc signed me off from work for 2 weeks and I was hoping I’d still be able to get back.
I didn’t, I spent the next 6 weeks at home. The bleeding never stopped and the cons said to not worry – some women bleed all the way through I was told. You must be one of those women.
I was never convinced, I had had two pregnancies even though going back a fair bit (18 yrs + 16) but all was fine with no bleeding.
I started to feel the baby move inside me and this gave me hope that maybe they were right, maybe this was how I carried now.
It was around the 14th July that I didn’t feel any movement and on my pad I saw a green stain (I knew from my previous pgs that babies first pooh is green)deep down I ‘knew’ but I didn’t want to believe myself.
Sat 15th I went to Sainsbury’s to do the shopping. I could feel something at the top of my vagina and thought it was another clot about to pass. I kept on going to the loo to check but nothing?
That night we were to have dinner with friends in a pub right out in the sticks. DP and I had decided to stay over the night and we were looking forward to it. We had a great evening and I had a thimble of wine which was my pg allowance I remember thinking it wasn’t so bad tasting as usual!
I woke the next morning and went to the loo, I could feel something in my vagina, and thinking it was a clot I tugged at it, but it wouldn’t come loose. On having a bath I saw it was brown coloured so again thought it was a clot.
We went to the beach like every Sunday and on each trip to the loo I had a tug but to no satisfaction. I felt a lot better and even started talking to my SIL’s about nappies, prams and so on. On one loo visit, I saw something and thought to myself – that must be the umbilical cord? – but then quickly dismissed the idea.
I went home and went to bed quite early with some contractions but fell asleep so didn’t really worry. I remember waking at one point and I had been lying on my tummy, something I hadn’t done for a long while. But thought it must have been a dream.
In the morning, dp got up as usual to go to work, as he left the house I went to the loo and on wiping I saw a perfect little foot hanging out of me.
I went as quickly as poss to the bedroom and called dp on my mobile. ‘Can you come back? I’m losing the baby’
Thank God he hadn’t yet got on the London Coach. He came back and on looking saw it was the baby.
By then there were two feet. I could feel the baby slipping out and went to stand in the bath with my pad to catch her on a pad as I was expecting lots of blood.
DP got me a box and I put her in there rather unceremoniously, I dropped her in like she was a horrible animal I didn’t want to touch. I think I was in shock as I was very practical and not at all emotional. DP had to cut the umbilical cord as the placenta wasn’t coming.
He called the delivery ward and we made our way over to the hospital.
I gave them my box, they gave me an injection, put a drip on my hand and I had to wait for the mc to complete.
They took photos of the baby but on looking at them her little face was purple and the size of the head was enormous as babies grow into their heads. I didn’t like the photo but dp was wiser and kept it all.
We were then asked names and funeral arrangements – all things I wasn’t anticipating and had great trouble talking about and deciding.
My grief has been constant and I thhink my desire to get pg immediately comes from this.
My due date is coming up soon 28 nov adn maybe when this date has passed it might be a little bit better.
I hope my story didn’t upset you too much. It does me and I’m close to tears so I shall go now and we’ll cathc up agian very soon.
Thank you for listening, mari xx
Photo of me on my 40th 3 months pg with my princess Megan


Where has the day gone?

I hate Mondays in the office, this is the busiest time of year for us as next week we have a huge exhibition at Excel and work for months to try and make it the best yet.
All I keep on thinking is I hope this is my last and next year I’ll be at home cuddling a baby and ‘doing lunch’ with other mums.
Anyway, nice relaxing weekend, loads of bding and I have been reading Zita West’s book Getting Pregnant.

Here are some of the tips I have gathered so far
1. Eat a teaspoon of honey a day -mmmm.
2. Drink Green tea – not bad, can do.
3. Take vitamin supplements – have been for ages now.
4. Bd like a good un :-))))
5. No alcohol (only 4 units this weekend)
6. Visualisation – get this…

Well, Zita says you have to visualise your uterus as a fertile garden. So I sit back and think of this paradise with flowers growing, birds cheeping, sun shining and I probably have a smile on my face as DP asks – what are you thinking about?
Well if I tell him the truth he’ll think I’m completely nuts so I say, ‘Oh nothing, I’m just happy’.

Then Zita says you have to visualise healthy eggs. Well, I have chosen M&S Easter eggs range and mine are coloured, sugar-coated, chocolate ones in a basket looking really tasty and very healthy.
Then Zita says to imagine your womb to be welcoming… so mine is a rich warm red, with a plump comfy cushion that has ‘Welcome’ embroidered on it in gold. With gold fringes and tassels on the corners. An Egg just couldn’t resist I’m sure.

I have completed my 3rd OPK test, still no + result yet but only CD12 so not too concerned YET.

I’ve been keeping an eye on my CM and think that’s all in order. I got a bit worried at one point that I didn’t have enough but poo-pooed the idea as being silly.

Thank God it’s Friday, this has been a really long week for me, too much thinking that’s for sure!

I posted on T4AB asking advice about the OPKs and replies came back that I should start trying tomorrow for the lines. fingers crossed.

We have a very quiet weekend ahead, our only plans are to babysit for DP’s brother.

We shall be at it all weekend, Zita says that sperm stays alive for 24 – 48 hours so it makes sense that the more sex you have the better your chances are of getting pregnant.

Just the flashing adverts to the right (of babyworld screen) are making me more and more anxious to get pg asap. Grrrr.

So I am saying a prayer to every God, saint and angel (especially mine x) to catch the egg.
Wish on a star
Wish on a snapped chicken wishing bone
Wish on a fallen eyelash
Wish on my Irish wishing stone
Wish, wish, wish, wish, wish.
Oh and mustn’t forget St Therese – The little flower – wish on her too.

My petition:-
Dear St Therese, Please help me get pregnant, have a safe pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy baby at the end. I promise to look after him/her all my life and teach him/her to be good and loving and to understand Jesus, his life and his teachings. I really do want a baby. I deeply miss the little girl I lost in July when I was 21 weeks pregnant. Please give her a kiss from me and tell her I wish she was here with me and her daddy, that we love her and hope she is in a happy place thank you.
United Kingdom
– Friday, October 27, 2006 at 8:44AM

Hello diary,

I’m having a very usual day today. I got a call from my DD this morning which is immediately worrying as she’s supposed to be at school!! She was, it was morning break and she was showing off in front of her friends that she has an English mum, she was asking me my thoughts on piercings.

Now the little madam already has her belly button pierced which I didn’t find out until way past the event last Christmas Eve. Ok, I can’t do anything about that now. She has been pestering me to allow her to get a tattoo over the past year and now this.

Well I said I wouldn’t be happy but between you and me it’s because I think she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. I think she’s desperately trying to get people’s attention and this is the wrong way to do it. I wish I was there with her. I said I’d call her back this evening seeing as I’m working late tonight. I have been really good in wishing them (her and her brother) a wonderful holiday and not letting them know about my bitterness.

DS sent me a text last night. He’s fine and finishing off his last year at our equivalent to a hotel college, he’s training to be a chef – Gordon Ramsey roll over when my boy hits the scene – lol. He wants to come to London next year with his friend to work for at last 6 months and I’m beside myself with excitement. Wouldn’t it be absolutely fantastic to have Tommy here and a new little step brother on the scene too?

I’m reading Zita West’s book ‘Getting Pregnant’ and it’s amazing anyone does get pregnant, poor sperm goes through hell to reach the egg and actually have tea breaks on the way. I read that it’s very important to have lots of bedding every month so am taking her to her word.

Morning all,

I bought a book yesterday, somebody had mentioned it ‘Getting pregnant’ by Zita West, talks a lot about cm and other hints. She has also got a clinic in Harley Street but that sounds really expensive! Let’s hope I won’t be needing it.

Megan sent me a text yesterday saying how excited she is to be going to Mexico, of course she is, who wouldn’t be? The thing is I can’t even wish for the plane to fall out of the sky as my kids will be on it! So I came up with one better, I just wish her dad and his bird go down with Montezuma’s Revenge which apparently is an incredibly bad stomach that a lot of people get when visiting Mexico. Now this bad thought will probably come flying back at me so I don’t really wish it, just a passing cheeky thought I share with my cyber friends.