This is my memory jar which I started at the beginning of 2014. I wanted to have something to look back on at the end of the year and I’m looking forward to remembering all the lovely things we did on the 31st when we open it and take a look at the year gone by.
The biggest discovery for me to come out of 2014, a kind of lightbulb moment, was the realisation that I am on countdown to FIFTY! How the heck did that come about? I swear I was 20 something last time I checked.
That is big. That is the first number I am heading towards to actually confuse me (how did that happen so quick?), to instil fear in my heart (I am not ready to be 50, how should someone who is 50 be?) and to make me dwell on my life up until now.
My first thought was, be thankful you are alive, well and healthy top to toe as many don’t have the good fortune to reach this age and many others do arrive at 50 but with lots of problems to sort out.
If I recap my life so far
My 10’s were a happy childhood and learning. The acceptance of brothers and realising I was no longer the centre of my parents universe.
My teens were accepting that sometimes married couples split. I watched my own parents divorce, take on new partners and I fell in love for the first time myself and started to learn about love and couples and relationships.
My 20’s were about learning to be a mother and accepting that it is a life changing moment. I was now responsible for two little people, not just their diets and growth but their happiness and emotional well being. Judging by the relationship we have today I don’t think I did too badly but there were lots of times I doubted myself.
My 30’s were fabulous, I was surrounded by a circle of great friends many of whom are still part of my life thanks to Facebook. I was comfortable with me but at 38 my life collapsed. My husband left me and I made the most difficult decision of my life so far, to move back to the UK and start over. It was hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but today I am grateful for taking that decision as I am the happiest I have ever been.
My 40’s were an enormous learning curve. Being dumped so unceremoniously is a massive knock to your confidence, being dumped for a woman half your age is enough to make you a hermit for the rest of your life but surrounded by my family I took baby steps. Found a job, a home, a school and then college for Megan. I fell in love EXACTLY when I wasn’t looking for it (they always say it happens that way don’t they?) We decided to try for children, we lost a baby girl in the second trimester, 21+5 and my heart was broken all over again but, when I was ready to try again, I gave it one last shot.
I have made mistakes this past decade. I tried to put them right but I couldn’t. I accept that sometimes you cannot make things right. I accept that I am not perfect, that I am still learning like everyone else. I apologise to everyone I ever upset.
This past decade for me has meant looking very deeply inside. I have torn myself apart, loathed myself. I have tried to change myself to be what others think I should be but I fail to keep up the appearance so 2015 will be all about accepting me for what I am and who I am. Learning to appreciate what I am good at and learning to accept that sometimes, I make a right hash of things but that’s ok too IF you learn from it.
I’m going to stop trying to be liked by everyone. If you like me that’s good, if you don’t, that’s ok too. I accept that I am not everyone’s cup of tea and I can’t try to be either.
I want 2015 to focus on my family, I’m going to drop the veggie plot which I have proved to be quite hopeless at and use that time to skip in the garden with the girls, or play in the Wendy house before they grow out of it. I’ve realised just how quickly time passes by and before I know it the girls will be teens and won’t want to play anymore. I want to get out to Italy too.
I would also love to take the girls to Lapland to see Santa, here’s a great Lapland holiday review from my good friend Kate who was lucky enough to go recently
Well, 50 it will be and 50 here I come. I accept it’s on it’s way but I’ve cottoned on a year early so I have one year left in my forties and I intend to make the very most of it.
2015 The year of the Smash Book
Instead of a jar this year I’m making a Smash Book, a sort of scrap book with a bit of everything in it. I can write, list, glue, add and take away as I go through the year. An exploration into me, what do I really like? What do I really want to see? Sometimes in this busy life it’s easy to be taken along with what everyone else wants and lose sight of your own desires. This is me. I accept me or that will be my mission over the next 12 months.
I’m also going to #EmbraceHappy along with Karin Joyce and many other like minded women, you don’t have to be a blogger, just on Facebook, take a look at the group here, it’s supportive and positive, not at all pushy so if you want to join in do and if you want to take a look then that’s ok too.
Happy 2015 everyone, here’s to an extra special year.