I miss Megan.
I miss her so much it hurts. I want her here with me now, all the time. I want her to live close by so we can share more of our lives and so I can watch my granddaughter Gracey, now 7 months, grow but this is not to be and it’s a struggle I live with daily.
Watching my two little girls discover the world, laugh and learn to speak fills my heart with joy and takes me back to the days of my Megan growing up. It is also a reminder that she is no longer at home with me. But the memories of ‘us’ flood back every day and the enormity of the love I feel for her makes me want to cry when I realise she’s not a car drive away.
Megan lives in Italy with her boyfriend and Gracey. She lives close to her father and her Italian family and I know she is looked after but I am not there for her. We use Skype, we phone each other but frequently there is no signal and I have to put down the phone and try again another day.
I remember her growing up. How she loved anything art related. Oh the fun we had sticking, glueing, painting and colouring in. She was a bright little thing, always laughing and smiling and vying for everyone’s attention. The painstaking effort she would take to complete her homework to the best of her abilities. The sofa cuddles we shared watching Disney films, the pair of us tucked under a blanket with a drink and some chocolatey snacks.
I always knew one day I would have to let her go and I would brush aside the thought before it clutched my heart like an iron vice. I just never once imagined we would be separated in two different countries. It wasn’t meant to be like this. I feel as if I’ve been denied my role as mother and as grandparent. I sit silently on the sidelines and listen to her tell me how zia helped do this and said that and I scream inside ‘That should be me!’
I would never want to be an intruding mother in law, but I would like to be on hand for babysitting, for helping out after a tough night and for enjoying some family moments together.
She tells me they now have a passport for Gracey and she’s booking up to come over soon. I am beside myself with excitement at the idea. I mentally have the sleeping arrangements organised, a huge family get together in mind, Gracey’s feeding needs catered for and a zillion other details that make up the perfect weekend. They just need to catch a flight and should BA decide to strike, I will personally create havoc worldwide!
I did try a solo visit with the twins when Gracey was just a week or two old and I returned home exhausted. I vowed not to repeat the experience until the girls were about 3 and were able to at least feed themselves, go to the toilet by themselves and able to amuse themselves for a nano second.
In the meantime we have our annual holiday booked to visit Lake Garda which is half an hour from them but how I wish our meet ups could be more frequent.