20 Nov 2006 – 40 and positive

I got back from Italy yesterday and have been on a low ever since.
On Thursday I had tested and got a BNP so was expecting AF Fri but she didn’t show up, needless to say I started to get excited and tried my best to keep a level head. Saturday did a lot of trips to the loo to check but no show so got even more excited, two days of txting DP until he said buy a test!! Try tomorrow. So Sunday morning tried with an Italian ‘TreminuTest’ bought from local farmacy and got another neg. Must be a rubbish foreign test I told myself. I’ll have a go with the CB test I’ve got at thome later. For some reason I had convinced myself that I was pg and it wasn’t until after, my shower when I saw a trace on the white towel that I finally had to accept that she had arrived. I was gutted and not only that I had to say goodbye to my two until Christmas so I got my stuff togetherand made my way to the reception to wait for them to come down. I bumped into my ex bro in laws partner who proceeded to tell me how grateful I should be that my ex’s girlfriend left the village when I came to visit in respect of me and my kids. She brought up a lot of hurtful things showing that she knew nothing of my decision to leave, of the life I spent with my ex and apart from this how she had judged me together with half the village on my actions.
I broke down in tears, cue the kids coming to say goodbye and me saying I was just upset at leaving them again. Why should I lie to them?
Now I need to do something about this for me, I didn’t have a chance to say my bit to this girl who knows nothing because Thomas and Megan arrived at that moment.
3 people have said exactly the same things to me now that’s how I know I am a point of discussion over there. I mentioned to one of these people (my supposedly best mate) that next week is my due date for our baby that we lost in July, but she waived it all aside (don’t think about it)and went on to tell me about her new house. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know what I was expecting from her, understanding, a shoulder to cry on? I don’t know but it wasn’t forthcoming and I feel very cheated in my friendship.
Poor old DP was very worried about me last night. I am so down about everything at the moment and cannot see a way forward.
I want to start a family with him and that seems to be riddled with bad luck. I want to close my past life and that seems to be riddled with busy bodies who want to keep it open so they can say their bit.
Sorry to rant and rave but feeling very tearful and sad. Maybe if I write those 3 people an email it might help but I might make a real bodge of it and it could come over entirely different from how I want it to.
Mixed up mari today – however one thing I do know is how much I love my DP and how grateful I am of ‘finding’ him. How much I do love my kids and miss them so much it’s like a knife wound in the heart just thinking about it and how much I want to have a baby.


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