Trying to conceive and over 40: 31/10/06 (Babyworld diaries)

Today I am going to tell the story of my last pregnancy which ended in mc on July 17th 2006 when I was 21+6. I’m doing this for me as I need to get it all out and ‘on paper’ so I can hopefully move on with my current ttc mission. I delivered the baby at home and some passages may be quite shocking to some. Please don’t read it if you are easily shocked.

We were lucky, after coming off the pill in Sept 05 without completing that course, we started to try from Nov and in March 2006 whilst on a skiing holiday!!! I got my BFP when I was about 4/5 days late.
The first few months I was exhausted and had terrible nausea which lasted all day but other than that all was fine.
Just when I thought I was out of the mc zone my cm started to change, it went from white to yellow, so I went to see my midwife. As I had no itching and it wasn’t smelly (sorry tmi) she told me not to worry.
Week 14 and it started to include a brown streak which later was red spotting. They took me for a scan and the baby’s heart was beating and her growth was perfect. They identified a bleed behind the placenta and told me to not worry.
So I tried not to, I still went to work but on June 5th (15 weeks) just as ‘ER’ was coming to the end of the closing episode for last season, I ran into the bathroom and passed a blood clot as large as the palm of my hand. I had read somewhere that we needed to take this to the doc so my poor DP fished it out of the loo and we put it in a tupperware and left for A&E.
They visited me and warned me I was having a threatened miscarriage, they listened to the heart beat which was healthy and heard the placenta functioning well. I was kept in for a few days, the clots passed less and less and the next day during the scan they saw all was fine, baby was growing and heart beat was good.
My doc signed me off from work for 2 weeks and I was hoping I’d still be able to get back.
I didn’t, I spent the next 6 weeks at home. The bleeding never stopped and the cons said to not worry – some women bleed all the way through I was told. You must be one of those women.
I was never convinced, I had had two pregnancies even though going back a fair bit (18 yrs + 16) but all was fine with no bleeding.
I started to feel the baby move inside me and this gave me hope that maybe they were right, maybe this was how I carried now.
It was around the 14th July that I didn’t feel any movement and on my pad I saw a green stain (I knew from my previous pgs that babies first pooh is green)deep down I ‘knew’ but I didn’t want to believe myself.
Sat 15th I went to Sainsbury’s to do the shopping. I could feel something at the top of my vagina and thought it was another clot about to pass. I kept on going to the loo to check but nothing?
That night we were to have dinner with friends in a pub right out in the sticks. DP and I had decided to stay over the night and we were looking forward to it. We had a great evening and I had a thimble of wine which was my pg allowance I remember thinking it wasn’t so bad tasting as usual!
I woke the next morning and went to the loo, I could feel something in my vagina, and thinking it was a clot I tugged at it, but it wouldn’t come loose. On having a bath I saw it was brown coloured so again thought it was a clot.
We went to the beach like every Sunday and on each trip to the loo I had a tug but to no satisfaction. I felt a lot better and even started talking to my SIL’s about nappies, prams and so on. On one loo visit, I saw something and thought to myself – that must be the umbilical cord? – but then quickly dismissed the idea.
I went home and went to bed quite early with some contractions but fell asleep so didn’t really worry. I remember waking at one point and I had been lying on my tummy, something I hadn’t done for a long while. But thought it must have been a dream.
In the morning, dp got up as usual to go to work, as he left the house I went to the loo and on wiping I saw a perfect little foot hanging out of me.
I went as quickly as poss to the bedroom and called dp on my mobile. ‘Can you come back? I’m losing the baby’
Thank God he hadn’t yet got on the London Coach. He came back and on looking saw it was the baby.
By then there were two feet. I could feel the baby slipping out and went to stand in the bath with my pad to catch her on a pad as I was expecting lots of blood.
DP got me a box and I put her in there rather unceremoniously, I dropped her in like she was a horrible animal I didn’t want to touch. I think I was in shock as I was very practical and not at all emotional. DP had to cut the umbilical cord as the placenta wasn’t coming.
He called the delivery ward and we made our way over to the hospital.
I gave them my box, they gave me an injection, put a drip on my hand and I had to wait for the mc to complete.
They took photos of the baby but on looking at them her little face was purple and the size of the head was enormous as babies grow into their heads. I didn’t like the photo but dp was wiser and kept it all.
We were then asked names and funeral arrangements – all things I wasn’t anticipating and had great trouble talking about and deciding.
My grief has been constant and I thhink my desire to get pg immediately comes from this.
My due date is coming up soon 28 nov adn maybe when this date has passed it might be a little bit better.
I hope my story didn’t upset you too much. It does me and I’m close to tears so I shall go now and we’ll cathc up agian very soon.
Thank you for listening, mari xx
Photo of me on my 40th 3 months pg with my princess Megan



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