Hello diary,

I’m having a very usual day today. I got a call from my DD this morning which is immediately worrying as she’s supposed to be at school!! She was, it was morning break and she was showing off in front of her friends that she has an English mum, she was asking me my thoughts on piercings.

Now the little madam already has her belly button pierced which I didn’t find out until way past the event last Christmas Eve. Ok, I can’t do anything about that now. She has been pestering me to allow her to get a tattoo over the past year and now this.

Well I said I wouldn’t be happy but between you and me it’s because I think she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. I think she’s desperately trying to get people’s attention and this is the wrong way to do it. I wish I was there with her. I said I’d call her back this evening seeing as I’m working late tonight. I have been really good in wishing them (her and her brother) a wonderful holiday and not letting them know about my bitterness.

DS sent me a text last night. He’s fine and finishing off his last year at our equivalent to a hotel college, he’s training to be a chef – Gordon Ramsey roll over when my boy hits the scene – lol. He wants to come to London next year with his friend to work for at last 6 months and I’m beside myself with excitement. Wouldn’t it be absolutely fantastic to have Tommy here and a new little step brother on the scene too?

I’m reading Zita West’s book ‘Getting Pregnant’ and it’s amazing anyone does get pregnant, poor sperm goes through hell to reach the egg and actually have tea breaks on the way. I read that it’s very important to have lots of bedding every month so am taking her to her word.

Morning all,

I bought a book yesterday, somebody had mentioned it ‘Getting pregnant’ by Zita West, talks a lot about cm and other hints. She has also got a clinic in Harley Street but that sounds really expensive! Let’s hope I won’t be needing it.

Megan sent me a text yesterday saying how excited she is to be going to Mexico, of course she is, who wouldn’t be? The thing is I can’t even wish for the plane to fall out of the sky as my kids will be on it! So I came up with one better, I just wish her dad and his bird go down with Montezuma’s Revenge which apparently is an incredibly bad stomach that a lot of people get when visiting Mexico. Now this bad thought will probably come flying back at me so I don’t really wish it, just a passing cheeky thought I share with my cyber friends.

I’m not so positive today. Could it be the miserable weather?

Basically DP and I took the decision a year ago to TTC, we’d been together for a year and got on really well (still do) and as time was/is marching on we’d thought it would take a while anyway so why not give it a go?

And that’s what we did, the first months I was quite happy to not fall pregnant immediately as I’d been on the pill for a while and they say your body needs a good three months to prepare but come January I was getting more and more upset and starting to think ‘Oh my God, it’s not going to happen’.

So you can imagine our joy when we were in Italy last year and I found out I was pregnant! We were there for my Tommy’s 18th b’day and at the same time celebrating a new life.
Only now I find myself fretting over it all and wanting an immediate prgnancy to make up for my lost one. I’m talking about this a lot because it is constantly on my mind.
I undid the packaging on my new digital OPK last night just to run through the rules and regs. Today is day 6, so first bd is day 8 and testing starts on day 10.
I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed as I know so many others are on this board.

AF is on her way out today, I hope it’s the last I’ll see of her for 9 months, talking of which I signed up on the I’m for a July baby forum, you never know.

I have my brand new digital OPK to play with this month. I didn’t like the other kind as I didn’t feel the lines were very clear. I was always doubting and still feel that maybe I didn’t ovulate last month.
I’m feeling absolutely shattered this morning. We had a good weekend with a very lazy Sunday but still I don’t feel as if my batteries have been fully recharged.

I was feeling a bit down yesterday and this makes me miss my children even more. It’s very difficult being so far away and knowing that they’re living with the girl who broke up my marriage. I still have very bitter thoughts about her and I know they’re not doing me any good. I heard they’re all off to Mexico next week and that really grinds on my nerves as we were supposed to go in 1998 but had to cancel as my MIL was taken ill. It was my dream holiday that never happened so I’m cheesed off that he’s taking her.

Anyway, I am lucky as I have an adorable DP who I wouldn’t swap for all the gold in the world.
Back to TTC thoughts – I have always wondered about the importance of ‘coming together’ when trying to TTC. I read it somewhere that the female orgasm helps the blighters climb up a lot faster.
Must promise myself to try and stay calm about the whole thing and try not to get too obsessed but finding it increasingly difficult as it’s all I think about.
Fingers crossed and saying a prayer to anyone who’ll listen.

Think of a bad word beginning with B and ending ‘ks’- that’s what I said when I dashed to the loo after just getting home last night!

AF came earlier than expected which was on Sunday – I have always been like a swiss clock so it came as a surprise and got my attention. It must be something to do with the miscarriage back in July. I’ve read that each pregnancy can alter your cycle. I did try to kid myself just for a mo’ that it was an implantation bleed but I’ve never had one of those so I knew it couldn’t be.
So I’d best get a new ticker sorted out. (refers to a widget put up on the Babyworld profile indicating how far you were into your pregnancy)

The unexpected arrival did bring on thoughts of my lost baby and dragged up emotions that I could have done without.
All I want is to get pregnant as quickly as possible. I feel I’m running against time and I also feel as if I’m letting down DP each month AF turns up. It makes me feel guilty and at one point last night I even said – maybe you should look for a younger girl. I didn’t mean it, I’d be devastated if we broke up. I just want to do this but am frightened it will never happen.

I thought about getting one of those fertility kits from Boots that tell you if you’ve got any eggs left, what state they are in and your chances of getting pregnant. I decided I’d leave it for a bit, after all, this is my 1st cycle of TTC. I really would have been damned lucky had it happened. I’m sure I’ve also read somewhere that it takes a couple of cycles to start ovulating after mc.

Anyway – enough said. At least I can have a glass of wine tomorrow at dinner and I can get back into the gym next week which got totally laid aside this week whilst I meandered around Topshop maternity, Mothercare and H&M maternity. Won’t be needing that just yet, eh?

Roll on November – let’s see if we can catch the egg!

A little later on – a second entry

So, the evening was spent with a little retail therapy – you know, to pick the spirits up and forget the Old Bag has arrived.
What did I come home with? A digital OPK for next month!
I am sat here with a glass of vino though as DP is out with his work colleagues, good for him. I bet he won’t be going for his 7 mile run tomorrow!