I got back from Italy yesterday and have been on a low ever since.
On Thursday I had tested and got a BNP so was expecting AF Fri but she didn’t show up, needless to say I started to get excited and tried my best to keep a level head. Saturday did a lot of trips to the loo to check but no show so got even more excited, two days of txting DP until he said buy a test!! Try tomorrow. So Sunday morning tried with an Italian ‘TreminuTest’ bought from local farmacy and got another neg. Must be a rubbish foreign test I told myself. I’ll have a go with the CB test I’ve got at thome later. For some reason I had convinced myself that I was pg and it wasn’t until after, my shower when I saw a trace on the white towel that I finally had to accept that she had arrived. I was gutted and not only that I had to say goodbye to my two until Christmas so I got my stuff togetherand made my way to the reception to wait for them to come down. I bumped into my ex bro in laws partner who proceeded to tell me how grateful I should be that my ex’s girlfriend left the village when I came to visit in respect of me and my kids. She brought up a lot of hurtful things showing that she knew nothing of my decision to leave, of the life I spent with my ex and apart from this how she had judged me together with half the village on my actions.
I broke down in tears, cue the kids coming to say goodbye and me saying I was just upset at leaving them again. Why should I lie to them?
Now I need to do something about this for me, I didn’t have a chance to say my bit to this girl who knows nothing because Thomas and Megan arrived at that moment.
3 people have said exactly the same things to me now that’s how I know I am a point of discussion over there. I mentioned to one of these people (my supposedly best mate) that next week is my due date for our baby that we lost in July, but she waived it all aside (don’t think about it)and went on to tell me about her new house. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know what I was expecting from her, understanding, a shoulder to cry on? I don’t know but it wasn’t forthcoming and I feel very cheated in my friendship.
Poor old DP was very worried about me last night. I am so down about everything at the moment and cannot see a way forward.
I want to start a family with him and that seems to be riddled with bad luck. I want to close my past life and that seems to be riddled with busy bodies who want to keep it open so they can say their bit.
Sorry to rant and rave but feeling very tearful and sad. Maybe if I write those 3 people an email it might help but I might make a real bodge of it and it could come over entirely different from how I want it to.
Mixed up mari today – however one thing I do know is how much I love my DP and how grateful I am of ‘finding’ him. How much I do love my kids and miss them so much it’s like a knife wound in the heart just thinking about it and how much I want to have a baby.

and lastly Hamleys shot 2
don’t say I don’t think of you!

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Hanley’s shot 1

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here’s another shot of Regent’s Street

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I did a HPT this morning and got a BFN unfortuantely. I was really hoping that this might be my month but hey – onwards and upwards.
I have set myself a lot of goals this month the first being a diet. I weigh 65.6 K nad want to get down to 63 for Xmas. which will be hard. I shall start going to the gym again on Monday which has been swept under the carpet these last two months to concentrate on ttc.
I’m not to sure as to whether carry on with OPK’s as I think I was becoming obsessed with it all to the point where I didn’t even enjoy bd!!! Instead of enojoying the moment I was thinking about fertilising the egg. Now you’re not going to make a baby like that are yoU?
So for my 3rd month I’m going to leave it up to the Gods. I do strongly believe that there is a reason for everything that sometimes we don’t find out why until a lot later so i’m going to let it go and get on with my prep’s for Crimbo.
Both of my brothers will be joining us for Xmas day, one with wife and kids so I’ve got a lot to think of.
I peeked on the Crimbo board yesterday and got some brilliant ideas for pressies and DP and I have decided that if by Jan I’m not yet PG we’ll book a nice super holiday to make up for our lost hols to Cuba earlier in the year. I’m thinking South America…
I’m off to Italy tomorrow, can’t wait to see my two adn I have an appointment with an Italian solicitor about my divorce. I would like to see that brought to an end soon so fingeres crossed that 2007 is our year.
Back on Monday xx
Oh, I took some photos of REgent Street adn hamley’s Xmas lights last night so enjoy – especially if you’re out of town

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