No entry yesterday. It was our EDD for our little girl and seeing as I had no idea how I would feel, I took the day off. DP decided he’d join me so we slept in till 9.30 ( a luxury for us London commuters used to getting up at 6.00) And then the day was spent shopping for christmas. Good in a way as I had no time at all to think about things and bad as I didn’t think and it hit me later.
Am feeling very blue today and fighting back tears, luckily we’re not too busy. When I’m down, I just feel I’ll never get pg again and would pay gold to get a prediction or for someone to tell me verything will be alright. I get anxious and start gulping air instead of breathing naturally and that really gets on my nerves.
I started up at the gym again today after 2 months of non appearance. It hurt, was hard and I hated every minute BUT I did it. I’m sick of people looking at my belly and asking ‘when?’ So am doing something about it.
I realised this morning I didn’t even know which CD I was on as I’ve told myself to not check this month to try and take it easy. I am actually doing this so well that I’ve convinced myself that it won’t happen this month and probably never will anyway. God I can’t win with myself.
Anyweay rant over for today.
Maybe I should change the title to 40 and not so positive?
Got my 1st Xmas Card form karen (thank you) have mine sitting on desk ready to post but went to the gym instead today will do tomorrow
mari xx
Look what I found in last year’s Crimbo photos….aaahhhh


I haven’t been around for a few days due to an intense social diary! Check me out.
Friday DP’s brother was 40 so we spent the evening at their house with all of the family. Little Ellie who celebrated her 1st bday on Thurs was sleeping and gorgeous and made me even more broody.
Saturday it was my mum’s hubbie’s (John) 70th and we had an excellent murder mystery evening that was a lot of fun. Mum had invited loads of friends and family who I haven’t seen in ages, only thing is I felt like I was popping from one to another and didn’t get to speak to anyone properly.
John’s daughter Claire was there, she also lost a baby one month before me. here baby was 20 weeks and at her scan she found the baby unfortunately had so many life threatening defects and wouldn’t survive that they took the decision to terminate and she is now ttc.
I have been feeling really panicky and unsettled recently. I have crossed out of my mind any ttc and won’t let myself contemplate it anymore because it’s killing me. I’m not buying OPK’s this month, no temps and tbh at least our bding has gone back to normal and we’re enjoying it again.
I was getting myself so worked up that it became a necessary business and I couldn’t enjoy it. No more of that!
I’m trying my hardest to let life take it’s natural course – what will be will be. I wish I’d met my DP 10 years ago but we probably wouldn’t have got together back then anyway.
Tomorrow is our EDD for our little girl. We’ve both taken the day off, we have no plans yet, maybe a little shopping for Xmas. I’m feeling really quite low today and have no idea what to expect tomorrow which is scaring me a bit.
Anyway, chin up and let’s get on with it.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget for the rest of my life and therefore never stop wishing it hadn’t of been me.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
Love to you all, mari

Well after yesterday’s entry I must say I’m feeling a lot better, funny how time seems to take the edge off situations.
I didn’t write to the girls as I may in my anger have come out with so much more than was necessary. today I don’t feel the need to justify myself. I was able to talk to a couple of people and ge tmy thoughts straight so i’m going to ignore it all.
Have sorted ticker out, back to a 31 day cycle and I will keep in mind it can come early as it did last month.
I’ve decided to take a softer approach to the ttc this month. No OPK’s no temps and no frantic bding just in case. It didn’t work for me that way anyway. Last month was the worse bding in our relationship as it was so planned and not spontaneous. We’re lucky as we have a lovely intimate relationship and I’m not going to lose that and maybe there is some truth in the orgasm lark.
I got my Secret Santa through – very early and very exciting. I promise I haven’t touched the envelope, well have given it a good ol’ feel as you do but no peeking.
Have now completed my SS pressie and must get it off in the post at the weekend. I really hope she likes it as I’ve thought about it quite a lot adn I like it – am quite proud of myself.
Bye for now xx
Oh here’s a picture of Bewl Water where dp and I walked last Sunday – look how empty it is – scary….


I got back from Italy yesterday and have been on a low ever since.
On Thursday I had tested and got a BNP so was expecting AF Fri but she didn’t show up, needless to say I started to get excited and tried my best to keep a level head. Saturday did a lot of trips to the loo to check but no show so got even more excited, two days of txting DP until he said buy a test!! Try tomorrow. So Sunday morning tried with an Italian ‘TreminuTest’ bought from local farmacy and got another neg. Must be a rubbish foreign test I told myself. I’ll have a go with the CB test I’ve got at thome later. For some reason I had convinced myself that I was pg and it wasn’t until after, my shower when I saw a trace on the white towel that I finally had to accept that she had arrived. I was gutted and not only that I had to say goodbye to my two until Christmas so I got my stuff togetherand made my way to the reception to wait for them to come down. I bumped into my ex bro in laws partner who proceeded to tell me how grateful I should be that my ex’s girlfriend left the village when I came to visit in respect of me and my kids. She brought up a lot of hurtful things showing that she knew nothing of my decision to leave, of the life I spent with my ex and apart from this how she had judged me together with half the village on my actions.
I broke down in tears, cue the kids coming to say goodbye and me saying I was just upset at leaving them again. Why should I lie to them?
Now I need to do something about this for me, I didn’t have a chance to say my bit to this girl who knows nothing because Thomas and Megan arrived at that moment.
3 people have said exactly the same things to me now that’s how I know I am a point of discussion over there. I mentioned to one of these people (my supposedly best mate) that next week is my due date for our baby that we lost in July, but she waived it all aside (don’t think about it)and went on to tell me about her new house. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know what I was expecting from her, understanding, a shoulder to cry on? I don’t know but it wasn’t forthcoming and I feel very cheated in my friendship.
Poor old DP was very worried about me last night. I am so down about everything at the moment and cannot see a way forward.
I want to start a family with him and that seems to be riddled with bad luck. I want to close my past life and that seems to be riddled with busy bodies who want to keep it open so they can say their bit.
Sorry to rant and rave but feeling very tearful and sad. Maybe if I write those 3 people an email it might help but I might make a real bodge of it and it could come over entirely different from how I want it to.
Mixed up mari today – however one thing I do know is how much I love my DP and how grateful I am of ‘finding’ him. How much I do love my kids and miss them so much it’s like a knife wound in the heart just thinking about it and how much I want to have a baby.