AF is on her way out today, I hope it’s the last I’ll see of her for 9 months, talking of which I signed up on the I’m for a July baby forum, you never know.

I have my brand new digital OPK to play with this month. I didn’t like the other kind as I didn’t feel the lines were very clear. I was always doubting and still feel that maybe I didn’t ovulate last month.
I’m feeling absolutely shattered this morning. We had a good weekend with a very lazy Sunday but still I don’t feel as if my batteries have been fully recharged.

I was feeling a bit down yesterday and this makes me miss my children even more. It’s very difficult being so far away and knowing that they’re living with the girl who broke up my marriage. I still have very bitter thoughts about her and I know they’re not doing me any good. I heard they’re all off to Mexico next week and that really grinds on my nerves as we were supposed to go in 1998 but had to cancel as my MIL was taken ill. It was my dream holiday that never happened so I’m cheesed off that he’s taking her.

Anyway, I am lucky as I have an adorable DP who I wouldn’t swap for all the gold in the world.
Back to TTC thoughts – I have always wondered about the importance of ‘coming together’ when trying to TTC. I read it somewhere that the female orgasm helps the blighters climb up a lot faster.
Must promise myself to try and stay calm about the whole thing and try not to get too obsessed but finding it increasingly difficult as it’s all I think about.
Fingers crossed and saying a prayer to anyone who’ll listen.

Think of a bad word beginning with B and ending ‘ks’- that’s what I said when I dashed to the loo after just getting home last night!

AF came earlier than expected which was on Sunday – I have always been like a swiss clock so it came as a surprise and got my attention. It must be something to do with the miscarriage back in July. I’ve read that each pregnancy can alter your cycle. I did try to kid myself just for a mo’ that it was an implantation bleed but I’ve never had one of those so I knew it couldn’t be.
So I’d best get a new ticker sorted out. (refers to a widget put up on the Babyworld profile indicating how far you were into your pregnancy)

The unexpected arrival did bring on thoughts of my lost baby and dragged up emotions that I could have done without.
All I want is to get pregnant as quickly as possible. I feel I’m running against time and I also feel as if I’m letting down DP each month AF turns up. It makes me feel guilty and at one point last night I even said – maybe you should look for a younger girl. I didn’t mean it, I’d be devastated if we broke up. I just want to do this but am frightened it will never happen.

I thought about getting one of those fertility kits from Boots that tell you if you’ve got any eggs left, what state they are in and your chances of getting pregnant. I decided I’d leave it for a bit, after all, this is my 1st cycle of TTC. I really would have been damned lucky had it happened. I’m sure I’ve also read somewhere that it takes a couple of cycles to start ovulating after mc.

Anyway – enough said. At least I can have a glass of wine tomorrow at dinner and I can get back into the gym next week which got totally laid aside this week whilst I meandered around Topshop maternity, Mothercare and H&M maternity. Won’t be needing that just yet, eh?

Roll on November – let’s see if we can catch the egg!

A little later on – a second entry

So, the evening was spent with a little retail therapy – you know, to pick the spirits up and forget the Old Bag has arrived.
What did I come home with? A digital OPK for next month!
I am sat here with a glass of vino though as DP is out with his work colleagues, good for him. I bet he won’t be going for his 7 mile run tomorrow!

Well, would you Adam and Eve it? K found me and there was me thinking I was being all secretive and was going to mention it at the weekend that I’ve joined Babyworld.

What made me join Babyworld was the chance to write an online diary, it’s good for me mentally and fun. I’ve actually been on the babycentre.co.uk boards for quite some time and have met some lovely ladies there too, mainly because they had a specific board for ‘over 35 and ttc’ where us ‘older folk’ can swap notes and have a laugh too. Anyway, I haven’t got my head round the forums on Babyworld just yet as they’re set out differently but will try over the next few days, oh and I am at work by the way!
Mon to Fri 9 – 5.
Most exciting news today is that I was in bed by 9.30 zonked out last night.

What’s so exciting about that? Well, don’t you see??? It’s one of my foolproof signs of being pregnant – that and feeling sick if someone around me lights up. God I could spew down there necks, (sorry, hope you’re not eating!) So although as you can see I’m trying my hardest not to get my hopes up (got the home pg test yesterday from Boots – it’s safely tucked in my top drawer till the weekend) and I am just concentrating on one day to the next.

Other fabulous news is Mum’s just bought a holiday home in Sardegna – I adore that woman! Yes, 4 beds (loads of mates can come) 3 bathroom (no squabbling there then) and 5 mins from the beach, views are fantastic. Have a look at the one below and tell me you wouldn’t fancy a bit yourself!
2 days till testing xx
PS Is there no way of editing a diary once clicked submit? I keep finding mistakes where I type so badly??

 Sardegna Torre dei Corsari, mum's villa

Day 2 of my diary, well I’m worried (you might hear that expression a lot – lol) as I haven’t been feeling as sick as yesterday and therefore have started thinking negatively.

Having said that I’ve just finished the salad I made for my lunch and I’m feeling disgusted by it all – especially the spring onions I chopped into it that usually don’t give me any problems at all.
I would so like this to happen AND be a successful pregnancy this time round.

I did feel quite tired last night but that’s to be expected, we’re up at 6 in the morning and don’t usually get home till 6.30 /7 depending on the traffic.

Anyway, not a lot to tell from the underwear department, hardly any CM. Is this normal? I must go and find a site that will tell me all about it….what shall I Google? Cervical mucus? Urrggg! Only joking. I have www.twoweekwait.com and fertility friend among others.

How many days till Sunday? Bring it on!

Let’s start with a little bit about me, I promise to keep it short lol.

I have two wonderful children from a marriage that ended in 2003. Thomas is 18 and Megan 16. They live with their father in the Dolomites in Italy as when I finally gathered up the courage to leave him, they were of the age where they didn’t want to be uprooted, the adolescent thing – ‘I don’t want to leave my friends’.
So I am back and forth from Italy every 6 weeks to try and keep a strong contact with them. Does that make me sound like a VIP because I am not, it’s thanks to low-cost Ryan Air that I am able to do this.

I met my wonderful DP in 2004 when I moved in next door to him (honestly). He knocked on the door and said if I ever needed any help I only had to ask. I had my daughter Megan living with me at the time and DP and I got to know each other as friends.

Cut a long and lovely story short, we became more than friends in the October of 2004 and 1 year later we took the decision to ttc. He had said he’d always wanted to become a father and I was sure of his love and ready to have a go straight away as time, for me, was marching on.
We were lucky, I fell pregnant in March 06, the estimated delivery date was 28th Nov 06 and I passed the first 3 months of that pregnancy fantastically, we were so excited as you can imagine.

Sadly for us, it wasn’t meant to be and we lost our greatly desired little girl on 17th July 06. I was just shy of 22 weeks and devastated.
I will write about my miscarriage on a later day so as not to take too much time up here.
Anyway, we had a follow-up appointment with our consultant on the 2nd October to go through any findings as to why the pregnancy hadn’t gone full term but they can only put it down to an infection and therefore we have been given the go ahead to ttc again. Which we have been.

I am now in my first cycle of ttc, bang in the middle of the 2 week wait (2ww) and feeling dreadfully nauseous since Sunday. I am keeping my fingers crossed and the strangest thing I can tell you is, I have been convinced since my miscarriage that I would be pregnant by Christmas.
Let’s see if that’s the case.

I wish to share the worries and troubles of an over 35 ttc and going through pregnancy (hopefully)