I’m going to use this diary for a while now… although not too sure on the positive bit today? I also have a feeling this may be long as I have loads to ‘get out of my system’ no pun intended.
I am in a very strange and unexpected place today. I came into work as I really couldn’t see the point of mooching around the house waiting for the bleeding to start. I am glad I took that decision, I have plenty to be getting on with. I know my head only too well and I know how I can start thinking so best keep me occupied! Thank goodness the weekend is here.
Firstly I must say a huge thank you to all of you, I have read your diaries and seen the messages you have left for me, I will be checking all the forums too today (the boss is in Rome!) and I MUST remember to delete my internet history tonight as we have the president of our co coming to meet us on Monday. OOOohhhh. Exciting – not.
Physically
The bleeding has come to a stop which is a shame as I hoped it would crack on so we could get this bit over and done with. I am still with the decision of letting it happen naturally as I am pooh scared of ops. Last time (mc in summer) they wanted me to sign consent forms stating that I accepted that they could perforate my uterus and a whole load of other accidents, f*** do I accept! Was my (internal) reply to that and I frightened my body into passing the placenta in about 10 mins flat. So for now I want to do this in my own time, I can always review the situation next week. I also have a bit of a hang over. Last night paul and I went up The George, our local and had a few, my tipple is white wine. Of course, I haven’t drunk for so long now that I’m not used to it AND it was before dinner, not the best combination. I am also used to guzzling litres of water per day and so was getting through my glasses a bit too quickly.
Emotionally
Really weird place this is. I’m OK. Honestly, I’m Ok. Now is this because I subconciously knew? Or is it because I cannot grieve as I have no baby to lose? Or am I still in shock? I don’t have the answer.
A small part of me wants to wish that woman got it wrong but I realise this can only create more pain so am trying to push that thought away.
I’m going to have to blow the dust off of old Zita, bless her. I still have my visualisation ready to go. It did attract a fertilised egg last time so this time will have to focus more on the eggs and make sure they are sparkling with energy…
I also feel as if I’ve let Paul down again. He really wants this child and so do I. I really hope it’s third time lucky for us. I spoke to K yesterday nad she sadi she felt the same so I suppose at least that’s normal.
I must be the only one on T4AB shouting out to AF and edging her to arrive. I’ll have her girls so you can all have your BFP’s.
I have so much more to say, but my head is racing and I’m jumping around a bit so I’ll come back later when I have managed to calm my brain down.
Love to you all and thank you once again for your thoughts and support

The photo below is outside my office taken last year with my colleagues. I am lucky as I work with some really lovely people. One lady is Adriana, a staunch Catholic who at 50 something is still a virgin – honestly. She is convinced that if we (Paul and I) were to marry (especially in church) all of our problems would be solved as we would have God in our relationship. I kid you not. She is a lovely woman though and bought me back a picture of Our Lady which she had blessed by one of her favourite priests after our last mc.
xx

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Bad news I’m afraid and I still can’t believe I’m writing this.
I’m just back from my scan and again we couldn’t see anything, the lady did an internal scan and again the sack was empty.
She explained I have a blighted ovum, where the pg progresses as normal giving off all of the symptoms of pg but during the initial cell division where the egg+sperm divide into sack, baby and placenta cells, ours forgot to put some cells aside to make a baby.
Strangely enough, after she removed the internal camera I wiped and there was fresh blood, so my options are two
1. Wait for it all to happen naturally
2. go to hospital and have a D&C.
I’m up for number 2 as the D&C scares the life out of me. I’d prefer it all to happen naturally.
The lady said she will scan me free of charge when I want just to make sure all is back to normal.
She says I should wait at least one cycle before trying again and stressed the at least bit.
Feeling absolutely numb. I have called Paul at work, he asked me if I want him to come home but what’s the point? To sit here glum looking at each other?
I’m now going to post the news on the boards and then I don’t know.
I was so looking forward to having a baby this summer, staying home and being a mum again. Now I’m thinking I won’t be able to give up work and life will have to get on as normal.
It shouldn’t have been me. That’s another thought.
Anyway, on the [plus side SIL saw her beanie with a lovely healthy heartbeat. She went first this time even though we were in together. I think my news may have saddedned her happy news and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t cry then or when she got out of the car. But I might now
xx

SCAN DAY SCAN DAY SCAN DAY
8+4 as of LMP
We’ll see what scan lady says about that as last time she had me a week later than I thought.
Gosh, I am soooo nervous. I keep looking at the clock adn cannot drag myself away from the pc other than to pee.
The girls on the Aug 07 board left me an FAO which was so nice of them, I did have tears in my eyes when I read it. DP called to see how I was and told me to stop shouting, I didn’t think I was but hey, I am a bit on edge.
The wind is howling away and I have seen the little plastic window of our shed fly across the garden adn snap on the corner.
I must remember to ask scan lady to measure my cerevix as maybe this will help me stay calm, yesterday I had an incredibly busy day at work adn last night found what can only be decribed as a knicker bogie. It was a streak of red. I didn’t panic too much but am bewildered as what it is and where it came from. I am so good at frightening myself these days.
Reading my last pg diary I have noticed that onh the days I had heavy bleeding I also had a weepy eye and have come to connect the two now.
I will adjourn later, please God with some good news.
Fingers tightly crossed xx
Pic of SIL with Ellie, the youngest in the family.

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8+2
14 days till NHS scan
15 days till Italy
24 days till cons apt

I am back from the booking in apt with mw. It was the same lady and she did seem uncomfortable to start with. We had to go into the mc in detail for the notes and she said she knew I had mc’d but hadn’t realised I was so far along. We talked about after the mc and I told her I had had no assistance, care of follow up at all, she said she was surprised at this (but it should have been her?)
The last mc was due to an inter uterine infection, I asked her how had I come into contact with this and she didn’t have an answer for me. One of those things. She went on to say that in all of her 17 years of practice she had never had a similar case to me (that doesn’t make me feel better) but she did say it was extrememly rare and very unlikely to repeat itself (that was better)
She said my care had been greatly increased, I shall see the cons on 9 feb, I will have a nuchal scan and will have a cervical scan and HVS (vaginal swab) every 4 weeks from 14 weeks till 24 weeks. At some point I will then be reverted back to mw for ‘normal’ care. Busy time ahead.
I took the day off sick today, I had a morning pass for the apt but couldn’t see the point of goign up to London for half a day and I was feeling very nauseous. At the moment beanie is the most important thing and takes priority over everything.
DP vs Bro or Arsenal vs Chelsea on Xmas day hence the crown!

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8+1
Today is the day my 2nd AF would be due
I am 1 fifth of the way through now
Tomorrow I have the 1st apt with MW which will be a case of filling in forms. I shall be very interested to see if it’s the same woman as last time who when I told her my sympotms brushed them off with an ‘oh that’s Ok, don’t worry so much’ …yeah thanks for that!
And then I have the second viability scan on thurs which I’m really looking forward to but not at the same time IYKWIM? Two girls have been on the Aug 07 board over the weekend and announced their losses which never fails to put the eejee beejies up me. At the last scan I saw an empty sack (scary) as 10 days will have passed I’m hoping to find soemthing positive but am very much aware of the possibility of a mmc.
Saturday saw our T4AB meet up at Old Orleans in Lakeside and what great fun I had! It was a nervous start, but I was lucky as had come along with Mikaela. I was so impressed with the journeys some had made to attend and am very grateful. We talked about everything, work, holidays, other halves, children and current situations and I am sure we could have gone on for so much longer only 3 hours had passed and no one had noticed.
I would thouroughly recommend a meet up to all women as it’s lovely to put a face to a name and it’s a great way of meeting new people.
Hi girls!!!
Last night I woke at 3.30 for a night wee adn on wiping saw EWCM with a hint of light brown. Naturally I freaked out and couldn’t get back to sleep as was panicking and testing my boonbs to see if they were still sore. It hasn’t happened again but it did happen yesterday after our walk along the beach from Westgate to Margate. I have no cramping and have been feeling very sick this morning so fingers crossed it’s nothing. Just very very worrying.
Over the weekend they have ‘done work’ on our pc’s and we are now connected to the head office server in Rome rather than BT Connect. I have ‘lost’ all of my files and can’t do a thing, trouble is I can’t stay on BW all day as someone over there might pick up on it (Very BB).
anyway, off to see if I can find something to do
Here’s my photo of the meet up with the girls you can see Lisa, Chloe, Mikaela and Claire and in front, Chelby, Jayne and Sharon (I’m writing these byb memory so hope I get them right!

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