CD 17
Strange day today. Think I caused a bit of a flurry on the board with my comments on Jordan. Will I ever learn to keep them to myself?
And I have just had a look at Rachie-Mal’s heartbreaking ‘memory of alex’ web site where I have lit a candle.
On reading stories like this it does bring back my own loss so vividly and I wish I hadn’t lost her so much.
Work is incredibly boring at the moment and I am struggling to do stuff. There’s plenty if I want it’s just I can’t be bothered.
Cd 17 as it says above. I’m trying not to think about it. Of course I want it just as much as the other months but hey I have to be patient. Maybe that’s what bugged me more about the BFP congrats to Katie Price. I mean some people get all the luck don’t they?
Have been to the gym today again and managed to do level 6 on the cross trainer for 20 mins and level 9 on the bike for 10 mins a total of 300 calories burned. :-)

Oh what a weekend.
I said I wasn’t going to buy OPK’s this month as was getting far too worked up about the whole thing but I caved in on Friday evening and on trying Saturday morning I got my smiley – 2 days earlier than I expected much to the delight of my DP as he’d been on the razzle for 2 nights on the trot and wasn’t quite up to marathone bding.
However, once he got started there was no stopping him… :-) I was back to my ‘normal’ self in as much as was actually enjoying it rather than concentrating on gettting the egg so who knows??? DP is extremely proud of himself and told me he has a feeling that I will be this month.
I wish he hadn’t said that as I would prefer to not think about it if possible.
also friday night was on the PC and decided to have a quick look a tthe history and up cropped all of DP’s porn sites he checks out while I’m away in Italy. Now I can’t have a go as he’s always open and honest about it but on clicking on the page I noticed our home town came up with ladies in the area and that cheesed me off no end, so me being me, whanted to out do him so checked out some differnet sites and was amazed at what I came across. Now I’m not the prudish sort, so I checked out the male gay scene (as DP totally hates it) OMG and then I went on to check out the lesbian sites and well, I learnt a hell of a lot. I am so naive it’s pretty embarresing, anyway, not any more. How come’s I started looking at lesbain sites, becuase I found it on his history that’s how!
Had a lovely meal at Carluccio’s on Saturday night with friends, nice catch up, lovely meal and lovely bottle of wine.
Am off to the gym at lunch time. I am adding a yellow sticker to our office calendar for every day I go….

Well, I received my Secret Santa a while back and as promised I didn’t open it till last night and managed to make a right hash of it.
In my eagerness to find out I started to open the package as I was coming down the stairs, I pulled the pressie out before reaching the living room and then opened the card and the gift but could find no clue. I even posted on the site about it all upset as I had wanted to play.
Then as I’m off to bed what do I see lying on the kitchen floor? Two pink pieces of paper! DOH! What a der brain.
anyway it was the lovely Lynsey who was my secret santa and I have a beautiful signed picture by Peter P (will right proper name tonight as difficult to spell) AND… a packet of abby dust which is firmly tucked in my purse which is always with me.
A very big thank you to Lynsey and a huge big kiss X
will attach foto later

No entry yesterday. It was our EDD for our little girl and seeing as I had no idea how I would feel, I took the day off. DP decided he’d join me so we slept in till 9.30 ( a luxury for us London commuters used to getting up at 6.00) And then the day was spent shopping for christmas. Good in a way as I had no time at all to think about things and bad as I didn’t think and it hit me later.
Am feeling very blue today and fighting back tears, luckily we’re not too busy. When I’m down, I just feel I’ll never get pg again and would pay gold to get a prediction or for someone to tell me verything will be alright. I get anxious and start gulping air instead of breathing naturally and that really gets on my nerves.
I started up at the gym again today after 2 months of non appearance. It hurt, was hard and I hated every minute BUT I did it. I’m sick of people looking at my belly and asking ‘when?’ So am doing something about it.
I realised this morning I didn’t even know which CD I was on as I’ve told myself to not check this month to try and take it easy. I am actually doing this so well that I’ve convinced myself that it won’t happen this month and probably never will anyway. God I can’t win with myself.
Anyweay rant over for today.
Maybe I should change the title to 40 and not so positive?
Got my 1st Xmas Card form karen (thank you) have mine sitting on desk ready to post but went to the gym instead today will do tomorrow
mari xx
Look what I found in last year’s Crimbo photos….aaahhhh

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I haven’t been around for a few days due to an intense social diary! Check me out.
Friday DP’s brother was 40 so we spent the evening at their house with all of the family. Little Ellie who celebrated her 1st bday on Thurs was sleeping and gorgeous and made me even more broody.
Saturday it was my mum’s hubbie’s (John) 70th and we had an excellent murder mystery evening that was a lot of fun. Mum had invited loads of friends and family who I haven’t seen in ages, only thing is I felt like I was popping from one to another and didn’t get to speak to anyone properly.
John’s daughter Claire was there, she also lost a baby one month before me. here baby was 20 weeks and at her scan she found the baby unfortunately had so many life threatening defects and wouldn’t survive that they took the decision to terminate and she is now ttc.
I have been feeling really panicky and unsettled recently. I have crossed out of my mind any ttc and won’t let myself contemplate it anymore because it’s killing me. I’m not buying OPK’s this month, no temps and tbh at least our bding has gone back to normal and we’re enjoying it again.
I was getting myself so worked up that it became a necessary business and I couldn’t enjoy it. No more of that!
I’m trying my hardest to let life take it’s natural course – what will be will be. I wish I’d met my DP 10 years ago but we probably wouldn’t have got together back then anyway.
Tomorrow is our EDD for our little girl. We’ve both taken the day off, we have no plans yet, maybe a little shopping for Xmas. I’m feeling really quite low today and have no idea what to expect tomorrow which is scaring me a bit.
Anyway, chin up and let’s get on with it.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget for the rest of my life and therefore never stop wishing it hadn’t of been me.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
Love to you all, mari