Sometimes it’s just good to get stuff ‘off your chest’ wouldn’t you agree? And for a while now I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts with myself. I’m carrying on, plodding by and getting all my work done but something isn’t quite right.
I have forgotten some family birthdays these past few months, something I have never done before priding myself on being on time on all occasions. I’ve forgotten thank you cards to thank people for thinking of me. I have a needlework piece I’m very proud of sitting around waiting to be sewn up since the beginning of the year – look here’s proof
It’s finished and just needs sewing into a cushion but I never get round to it.
I have some friends who I haven’t caught up with in far too long. I have two gorgeous little girls who I should be playing with more and talking to to more.
I have projects I’d like to start but can’t seem to find the time, books to read; I must be the only female world over whose copy of 50 Shades is lying covered in dust abandoned after 6/7 chapters!
So when I saw Mum’s and me request for Me Time posts I knew it was a sign for me to get myself out there a bit more. Interact with ‘real’ people and find some time for me.
I look at my unshaven legs, my un-filed nails and my toe nails that need cutting and I realise I have neglected myself for far too long and this is no good. I need to cut back on the time spent on the pc and start using my time in a better way.
So yesterday, after cancelling for two weeks on the trot, thanks to sick children, I finally caught up with my lovely twin mums for a coffee in the posh John Lewis cafe at Bluewater. To think only a couple of years ago we used to meet every week on a Wednesday at Twin’s club come rain or shine a real lifesaver for all of us. Even last year we managed coffee mornings whilst the children were at preschool but since the girl’s birthday in July it’s gone hopelessly downhill. I haven’t managed to make any of the organised night’s out, I missed out the twin club picnic and many other twin club trips simply because they clashed with other arrangements we had.
I started to feel bad and that leads to my usual paranoia setting in – ‘I hope they don’t think I’m trying to avoid them’
I’m not right at the moment, I’m not thinking straight. The fact I have lost a friend recently after trying hard to make up has hit me hard and sent me into a sadness that is proving hard to kick. I worry about my other half as this loss has caused a rift with all of his friends. Friends he’s had since childhood and I’m finding that an enormous responsibility to carry on my shoulders. I wanted to say to these people, ‘I don’t care if you don’t like me or never will but please don’t do that to him.’ But they did and although Other Half smiles brightly and shrugs his shoulders I can’t get past it.
I realise at 46 this ‘feeling‘ could be hormonally emphasised too. We go through the whole rigmarole of hormones in our teens turning us into blue eyed monsters and they’re back to plague us later on. Is this insecurity, lack of confidence and paranoia connected to an oncoming menopause I have yet to acknowledge?
It’s hard isn’t it being a woman? Fitting all these different parts of life into one big whole and managing them so our families are happy and are houses are safe havens.
This was supposed to be a post about me time but maybe just dedicating space to throw my thoughts down on paper is me time for me?
After all I did have another coffee this morning with some lovely school mums. New, caring people in my life that it’s a pleasure to be with, we have a couple of Christmas party nights in the calendar where we are spreading the word and inviting lots of other mums to join in. A meal one night and a ‘Funky Friday’ another night because one thing that hits home every time.
‘If I’m feeling like this then maybe other mums are too?’
If you are then maybe you need to carve out some me time too?